Monday, March 28, 2005

My love life, one step away from a Jerry Springer show...

In the spring a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love.
--Lord Tennyson Alfred
In the spring all creepy guys' fancy heavily turns to Christine.
--Knitting Virgin

First the knitting update...I am really enjoying my multi-directional scarf from my Secret Pal! It is something I have to pay attention to, but it's going to be VERY cool and I am LOVING my artyarns yarn! Thanks again SP! No teaching of the children yet, I've got something scheduled every stinking weeknight this week, so it looks like a weekend project. It might not be as bad as I think it will be. Of course, my daughter and I almost come home in tears each time I try to teach her to ride her bike, so I'm not holding my breath here. She really is gifted creative-wise and has picked up plastic canvas and finger knitting very quickly, so hopefully we'll make it through.

For those of you tired of my rambles, stop reading now. A long rambling post follows....OK, so my week in men...Sometimes I wonder if there isn't a little "Let's drive Christine Crazy" club for losers out in the KC area. Cripes. I think my mojo is in serious need of a rejuvenation, it's sending out VERY funky vibes lately without my approval. I need to live down in the south where I can find a voodoo queen to give me a special charm to fix my mojo. [Yes, I do know quite a few queens here in town, but none of them are VOODOO queens, these are just bois prettier than I am, HAH!]

Anyway, here's the sitch: I get a call on my cell from a guy who said my old friend Kenny Rogers said I'd probably like to go out for dinner. [Kenny Rogers is my little name for my former old-guy beaux who was the perfect date, he bought me pretty things, fed me well, we had a lot of fun when we only occasionally went out, he barely called, PERFECT until I got a call from his WIFE...yup. his WIFE.] Not only am I still hearing from old Kenny by email, but this freaky guy gives my number to another one of his friends? WTF?? Kenny is also the one who on his last bouquet of flowers had a card that apologized for not telling me about his wife and said he missed "the nectar of the goddess." The man did not get anywhere NEAR my nectar. ick. I guess since this charming (yet also quite freaky) old guy isn't married, old Kenny thought he was doing me a favor. thanks Kenny.

NEXT...I go to a party where I run into a guy I went out with about 4 or 5 times. He is with his new pretty little thing girlfriend. It's not too akward at first, kind of a "hi, how are look great..." normal thing. We quit dating as he was more fussy than I prefer to be around. His clothes were always perfectly pressed, he complained if any little thing happened to his stuff, he sent back food EACH and EVERY time we went out for dinner, and was just too freaking high maintenance. It's just weird to go out with a guy with prettier clothes than you. I mean, his coffee beans had to "breathe" just the proper amount of time before he ground them, or it just ruined his whole day. His bathroom had more facial crap in it than mine does. He was also a skater boi, I know, I thought that part was kind of cool. A big Sprint executive by day, sk8r boi by night. He knew a lot of alternative bands and we always went neat places for good music, but he wore me out with the details. It was like dating a woman. ANYWAY, as the evening went on, I found myself occasionally getting a little extra arm touch, light tickle on my back, etc. every so often when his girlfriend was looking the other way. ICK. I smiled, said, no thanks, go check on your girl. More messages on the cell phone & emails about how we need to "catch up" etc. ick.

At the SAME party, another freaking pretty-clothes man is also making his move. He is not married, nor does he have a girlfriend, but is also one of those damn high-maintenance men who just tires me out. The evening basically became an obstacle course for me to keep just out of range of the two of them. They both were trying to one-up the other by telling me how they decorated their apartments. No, they are not gay, but YES they should be. They both sensed their non-manly approaches to win me over and tried to out-maneuver each other to decide who should walk me to my car at the end of the evening. I ended up grabbing one of my married friends for the escort and they didn't even realize I was out the door until they both came running up at the SAME time to wave at the romantic. More emails from him. fun.

Yesterday at work my old friend called, let's call him Bob. Bob's a trip, a sweet older gentleman who drives a limo around town. He took me to lunch once as a thank you for bowling with him in a tournament and I like NEVER to have got rid of the poor man. After totally NOT hitting on me in the least, he drove me back to work, leaned in for what I thought was a kiss on the cheek, and about SUCKED MY LIPS OFF then LICKED MY FACE before I could react. I'm telling you Hoover could use some power like that. I guess I looked surprised, as he told me he couldn't help it as my butt was talking to him. I told him I wasn't aware my butt could speak, but apparently there was something lost in translation. All that happened about 4 months ago, haven't heard from him since until he calls out of the blue, saying he was in the neighborhood and thought I could use another lunch date. I was very sweet and very disappointed, but had to pass.

Tired of reading yet?

Today, I got a call from Creepy Sprint Guy, the guy who used to be my "mentor". I thought I was getting someone to help me with my resume, practice interviews, and give career advice out of a group I was a part of when I was finishing my degree, but it turned out he was just creepy and a lech. SO, after not hearing from him for about 4 months also, he gives me a call out of the blue and said he's lost a bunch of weight and is now so sexy even I couldn't resist him, so how about lunch? or dinner and breakfast? Do guys like that really exist? only in KC. lucky me. Another big ICK and a sweet "gee, I'm sorry, but I'm just not looking for anything like that." This guy's ALSO a bowler.

FINALLY I was out at the casino (pretty much losing what I had left-over from the big win last Sat. night--apparently just because I thought I should have been a professional craps player did not mean the gods of gambling agreed with me) and I sit down at a blackjack table, and who sits down a few minutes later, but one of my ex-hubby's old professional bowler friends. OH OH OH this man is HOT. He buys me a beer, we sit & chat & laugh and I think OH I could get used to this... but I have a REALLY bad record with bowlers. This one is very handsome, only about 15 years older than me, has a REAL job, only bowls regional tournaments once in a while, and has a personality that is just fun. BUT I thought to myself, self, what the FUXX to you think you're doing??? How fast would EVERYONE that knows me whoop up on me??? And the sad thing is, I couldn't even get away with just jumping the guy (which I really REALLY wanted to do) as he knows everyone and everyone knows me and there's this whole strange world of bowlers that gossip worse than a bunch of old ladies. SO, I was a good girl and went home. [my kids' dad was a bowler, my mini-marriage was to a bowler, my married older guy Kenny Rogers was a bowler, the face licker was a bowler, creepy sprint exec was a bowler and 2 stalkers have been bowlers].

NOW I decided I'm holding out for a fireman. No more pretty boys, no more metrosexuals, I want a man that could carry me over his shoulder out of a burning building, or to a bed, whichever's closer. Till then, I'm just being a good girl. dammit.

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