Monday, January 30, 2006

I'm feeling very old and wise tonight

I have been doing too much thinking for my own good today. I realized I am a veritable wealth of information. It would be unfair of me not to share these amazing things I have learned through trial and error and error and error. Things in my head as I was driving down the road....

***Always make your bed in the morning. I used to HATE doing this as a child and teenager and almost never did as an adult until recently. It doesn't have to be good, no hospital corners needed, just pull the sheets up and cover it all up with a big ol' comforter. This little act not only starts my day off with having total control over one piece of my life, but it also is a nice organized place to return to at the end of the day.

***I am truly addicted to diet coke. I start my morning off with a cold one and have one right before I go to bed. I have too many during the day. I've given up trying to get rid of this, I just make myself drink water and shatto chocolate milk (now in 2% LOVE THAT) and figure there's worse things I could be doing to my body. There's only so many healthy things a body can stand. Pick yourself out a nice little addiction and enjoy the shXt out of it.

***Double pointed needles are not actually tools of the devil, as much as I used to believe they were. I was working so hard at trying to learn to use the 2 circular needles thing and the loop thing that it was worse than trying to get a handle on the damn pointy sticks. I just realized it wasn't worth the trouble. Working with them is a lot like first learning to knit, you feel like a small child with clumsy fingers and a short fuse. After knitting that first scarf, your tension shaped up a bit towards the end. The second or third scarf and you realize you CAN knit. You enjoy it. It looks like it's supposed to. The same thing happened to me with the TON of wrist warmers I cranked out before Xmas. After the 2nd pair, I was doing pretty damn good. I actually now PREFER using them over circ needles. I don't regret burning the damn SHORT first set of dpns I used to create the ugliest most deformed pair of sleeves for my tempting sweater. Just remember, if burning wooden needles, they don't just burst into flames. Have a little bit of lighter fluid available for a nice even burn (or half a bottle for a burst of flame that will demolish them to ashes). I learned not to give up and not to make things harder than they actually are. (why is the "fire fire fire" "heh heh heh" in beavis & butthead's voices echoing in my head?)

***I highly recommend using your children for any excuse you need. You had them for the right reasons I'm sure. You're good parents, you put up with more crap than people should have to. Literal crap as well as the figurative stuff. I have lived through great quantities of every form of disgusting goo that comes out of a name it, I've washed it off me at some point or other. I realized the standard tax deduction just wasn't doing it for me, so I'm using them in other ways also. Children are very handy for those embarrasing moments in the grocery aisle where you accidentally let a stinky one float out...and then someone walks up and gives you the look. Pick up a child, wrinkle your nose and say "diaper change" and you're clear. Don't want to go to another home sales party hosted by your friend but don't want to offend? sick child, too much homework, soccer practice, you name it, you can get out of it. The excuses usually work with YOUNGER children, though I still try to push the envelope. (Miss Amanda, I was totally NOT using an excuse with your party the other night I swear! :)

***In order to jump on and ride the grocery cart through the parking lot to your car you need to have it FULL of groceries or have at least one child riding on the other end or you WILL flip it and land on your butt in front of people who will think you're an idiot. Also your child will roll her eyes and go "mo-ommmmm". That part was almost reward enough, but seriously, either lean WAY forward over the front part as you ride or make damn sure your kid doesn't hop off before you're ready. Another nice tip is make sure the firetruck full of men from down the street aren't in their truck pulling through the lot and enjoying the show. end of story. We're not as little as we used to be anymore, are we? That whole center of gravity thing really bites you in the ass.

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