How to get a horrible manicure...a tutorial

OK, so one of my big resolutions this year is to learn something every month and to share my knowledge with others. I learned to roll center pull balls of yarn last before the holidays, I am going to learn to correct knits that should've been purls and vice versa tomorrow. I've got a book and I'm gonna try it out. But tonight, dear people, I have learned a lesson that I'm thankful only cost me $18 and is not permanent.

Before I get started, let me state that this is NOT a complaint against Beauty Brands. I freaking love that store. I hardly use any of the stuff in there, but I must possess it anyway. I have actually spent more money there on hair and nail products and lotion in the last couple of years than I have saved for my children's college funds. I should'a bought some serious stock in that damn store, because I still cannot go in and leave with my hands empty.

How to get a crappy manicure and still tip because you're an idiot.

Step 1...While taking your daughter to Beauty Brands for a celebratory manicure (woo-hoo one week without biting nails...or at least biting them so minimally that there was actual signs of white at the end of the stubby short nails), decide, hey, I could use a $15 manicure, sure.

Step 2...Not listen to your gut instincts when the only woman in the store over 21 yrs old is a new nail tech with a bad attitude and no clients and happens to be the only one not busy. Think, nah, I'm sure there's a reason she's 45 and working for minimum wage with a bunch of kids at night.

Step 3...Explain that I'd like a french manicure but NOT the white maincure with PINK polish as it makes me look dead. She pulls out a lighter shade of WHITE but it's still freaking WHITE. Say, "no, my friend had hers done with light off-white tips and a warm natural color and that's what I want." When she pulls out ANOTHER freaking bottle of WHITE say "No, really, I think it looks tacky when the ends are vibrant white on anyone over 21 and I just don't want to go there." Can you guess it already? Can you believe I actually drive on the streets and am raising my own children? cripes. She pulls out another WHITER bottle of white and I glance down at the inch long claws she's sporting with the whitest white LONG tips you've ever seen. ssmmmmmoooooooootthhhhh one Christine. Let's just say I didn't quite pull out of that one and didn't have the guts to say no. (ok, if I just offended you too for wearing white tips, it's not you, it's me. I just don't like them on ME after I got old & bitchy. Other women can wear it fine, I meant to say ON ME it's tacky after 21.)

Step 4...Don't even try to talk her out of the pale bubble gum pink color she picks out for the topper when she explains that's what she wears. I'm a redhead (ok my hair USED to be red) and I've got the pale PALE complexion of a redhead that does NOT work with pink. Yup. I've got nails of a dead woman. Not just a fresh dead, still in the embalmer's room dead, nope, one that's been dead a while. Like on csi found in the woods kind of dead nails. OH and there's little hairs and fuzz in one of my gloppy dead thumb nail paint. nice.

Step 5...After chatting and admiring the beautiful job the 19 yr old nail tech did on my daughter's nails, my lady with the white claws decides to paint on some cuticle oil on my thumb. I said, "um, that doesn't look like cuticle oil." She said "oh, it's just packaging, isn't it cute how it looks like nail polish?" It looks like polish because it was. I have irridescent white painted all around the cuticles and even under the tips of my right thumb and up and down the sides of my left one.

Step 6...tip the biotch. I can't decide if she was dumb as a post and just horrible at her job or if she is diabolical and figured out the perfect way to get back at the rude chic who called her tacky.

Step 7...put buying some damn fingernail polish remover on the shopping list for tomorrow. This wouldn't be a big deal to most women, but
A) I'm a total drama queen (hard to believe, huh?) and
B) I only get manicures about 2 times a year as I'm always using my hands and the polish chips off, so when I get my nails done, it's a special thing for me.


On a nicer note, I did GREAT at the Studio's big 25% off sale! I spent UNDER 50 dollars. Let me say that again, it took almost everything I had to put down the handfull of koigu I wanted to get to make that cool scarf in Last Minute Knitted Gifts and walk away from the wall of felting wool. Walk. Away. From. The. Wall. Just put the yarn down and back away slowly... Anyway, my tired grumpy kids were freaking angels and we ALL THREE got free water bottles with the Studio logo on them. I got more charcoal yarn for the tubey sweater just in case. They seem to have had a rash of purchases of my favorite superwash wool in the world, so I was getting nervous. I also got some sock yarn and a magazine and a book! I ended up saving $16 and just had a lovely time.