Tuesday, July 12, 2005

WARNING--TMI POST, read only if you're not easily nauseated

OK, so apparently I have iritable bowel syndrome. I get gassy, constipated and have a hard time going poo on a regular basis. I kind of thought that was just BEING A WOMAN. In my entire life I've only met ONE woman that could go poo every day. My uncle has a girlfriend who is BEYOND vegetarian. Not that there's anything wrong with that....(seinfeld quote, couldn't help myself)... ANYWAY the woman survived on nuts and berries and she smelled REALLY bad as the strange gasses emitting from her body made me decide I'd rather just be constipated. PLUS she even pulled out all the little marshmallows from the lucky charms cereal at our house and proceeded to give us a lesson in where jello comes from (apparently we're eating horse hooves in our marshmallows and jiggly jello). So, the options are some drugs that could cause headaches, diarrhea and other wonders, or increase my fiber and water intake and cut back on caffeine and we'll see how it goes. SO I figure, I can drink more water, no problemo. I can eat more veggies and fruit, also no problemo. Diet coke cutbacks, not going to happen. I'm supposed to NOT take xlax or other goodies as I could get addicted and it's supposed to eat away at my insides.

Isn't this fun? I figured out the solution. Got a problem of yourself? Are you a woman? You probably do. Here's my recipe for a happy belly...drink a few extra glasses of water during the day, eat chipotle for lunch, 3 corn on the cob ears for dinner with lots of watermelon, eat 11 double-stuff oreos for bedtime snack. YES ELEVEN. 10's not enough and 12 will make you hurl, trust me on that one. I guarantee you will be all cleaned out by lunchtime.

What's that? worried about all those calories from 11 double-stuff oreos? Here's my theory...When I was chomping down 3 or 4 each evening I was getting chubbier. The times I've gone and eaten 1/3 of a bag at a sitting, it seems to rush through the system and I don't gain weight. I think my body can't handle that many calories at one time and they just go shooting by. yeah. maybe. but of course, my damn denim skirt's a bit tight, so don't quote me on this thing.

No real knitting news, other than I just realized I'd told my baby bro that I'd make him and his wifey-to-be a pretty afghan for their wedding. Yup, he's getting married in 2 weeks. Hmmmm. I really wanted to make this mobius wrap thing for my daughter and I to each wear to his wedding (yes she still lets me make matching crap, I LOVE that!) and haven't started them either. THEN inspiration struck (about oreo #6 I think) and I realized they live in FLORIDA and are getting married in KS, so It'd be the polite thing to mail the blanket to them at their home. PLUS they're going on an extended honeymoon somewhere tropical, so I have some extra time. cool! I'm off to the knitting store (yes, I'm broke and ate peanut butter and stale wheat thins and an old tub of applesauce I found in the fridge from who knows who for lunch yesterday, but I have PRIORITIES) to get the ribbon yarn for the mobius wraps. No, I don't exactly know how to make them. No, there's no pattern, so I have to find the store person who made it so she can write down how.

PLUS, I'm working AT HOME TODAY!!! Scary thing, I've gotten more done between 7:30am and 10:am today than I accomplished all freaking day yesterday at work.

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