Thursday, December 30, 2004

The worst blind date in the history of man

Dang blogger......I had a nice LONG post last night, of course did not think to save it somewhere else first, and blogger ATE it. Stinking blogger. Here's the 2nd time around.

First, I had a lovely evening with my old friend Bill. We ate Italian at a quaint little restaurant with the WORST bartender and WORST waitress ever until they got their tips after dinner and then we decided to get a bottle of wine.....then they were stinking all over us. NOTE to self.....when eating out somewhere nice, tip BEFORE the meal so you can get that service WHILE TRYING TO GET your food. Very nice evening, he's off to Hilton Head, SC now, so I have a nice place to go visit sometime.

OK, a few posts ago I recounted the 2nd worst blind date in the history of woman-hood and have had a few requests for the winner of the contest. I actually DID win a radio station contest and got a free dinner & movie for 2 as a result of telling the story a few years ago. Here it goes. If anyone can top me, I'd love to hear it. I do know many women have been raped or other horrible things happen on dates, but this is the worst of any non-criminal blind date I've ever heard about.

A long, long time ago when I was 20 yrs old, I was home from college for the summer and a girlfriend did the "oh, my boyfriend's cousin is in town and we can't go out tonight unless you go out with his cousin....." so I said I'd at least meet the guy. He was cute, seemed relatively intelligent and said he had an extra ticket to an event at Kemper Arena, so I said what the heck, ok.......famous last words, right?

So, he picks me up in an old restored blue mustang convertible and I'm thinking oh, this'll be fun......then we drive to his relative's house so I can MEET his parents. ON A BLIND DATE. Ok, I thought that was a bit wierd, but no biggie. Then when we leave, his dad and little 10 yr old brother come outside with us and everyone gets into this station wagon complete with the fake wood siding peeling off. I was told they had the other tickets, so we'll all go together. Again, a bit wierd, but I'm a trooper. We park about a mile or THREE from Kemper in the HOOD as daddy doesn't want to spring for the $5 for parking and won't take money from a lady. (see how long ago this was? parking now is at least $15 per event there) BEFORE we go any further, you need to realize this is the late 80's and it was a time of preppy Gap people and penny loafers and big hair.

It turns out not to be a concert, the "event" was Hulk Hogan had come to KC for a big wrestling match. This was BEFORE wrestling had become this strangely almost cool because it's so fake thing. NOPE, this was back when people truly believed everything that happened in that ring was REAL. We truck up to the tip top of the arena and sit amongst what I swear to God is the reunion from Deliverance. My date springs for ONE coke for the four of us and suddenly I wasn't too thirsty. These people went CRAZY. The scene is one little girl in penny loafers and a Gap button down and about 8,000 people in stained wife-beater's (nasty white tank tops that didn't cover their bellies), ripped jeans, no sleeves and that fun long skanky hair in the back with feathered sides (men and women both).... We sat next to this lovely lady in her 60's who had no lower front teeth. She was able to spit chaw through the hole and I figured I'd better hold my purse in my lap. Next to her was her 80-something yr old mom who kept screaming "rip his balls off Hulk" through the entire 3 hour event, even when only women were in the ring. She also swung her metal cane around in the air and beat it on the backs of the seats around us. I did see the famous Hulk and I think he won, can't really remember, but I also saw a bunch of midgits fight the largest woman I ever saw and she sat on a few of them at one point. SO, in a nutshell, I was surrounded by crazies who looked like there had been a bit too much playing in the same gene pool and this crazy old lady cracked me on the shin with her cane telling me to "watch my balls or they'll get ripped off too" while her daughter was spitting juices and trying to teach me how I could learn even though I was unlucky enough to still have all my teeth. It was a bit of a culture shock for this sheltered little Johnson County girl, but again, I come from tough stock so I just people watched, and dodged the spit and blood and all that. There were at least 4 serious fights in the stands and you had to watch out for people getting thrown through the air as well.

So, the long LONG night comes to a close and I sigh a little sigh of relief. But, wait, there's more......instead of walking with the thousands of people to our car we walk to the back of Kemper to stand in a line with about 15 other losers. There the three men I'm with (skinny 10 yr old kid, chubby HAIRY creepy dad, and my date who looked ok until he started dancing around) TAKE THEIR SHIRTS OFF and stand outside the back door for ANOTHER 2 FREAKING HOURS so they can flex while Hulk is escorted into his limo. Hulk was surrounded by about 10 body guards, so you couldn't actually see the guy anyway, buy my little date with a pimply chest & back was flexing next to his dad and brother and they were yelling "rrrrrr, arrrrgh, and Hey Hulkster" and other fun things.

After convincing the guy that I really wasn't up for another wild evening out, I politely thanked him for the evening, dodged a sloppy kiss that ended up with his tongue slurping the side of my face and didn't take any more phone calls......THIS EINSTEIN thinks, oh no, she must be being held captive against her will and came to rescue me from my home. I swear to GOD, the guy was nuts. He comes by our house in a quiet little suburban town where there's more police than actual residents and very little crime so they don't have a whole lot to do.....and the guy tries to break into what he thought was my bedroom window. It was not. The evening ended up with my father (who is the sweetest most peaceful man you'd ever meet in your life) holding a shot gun on the guy asking him to get the heck off our land (just like in the old western shows) (no the gun was not loaded) and about 4 cop cars pull up to escort the guy out of the city limits.

Is it any wonder it took me another 15 years to go on a blind date? And with the track record of 2 blind dates, 2 crazy psychopaths, I'm not thinking any more of these will be in the future.

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