Friday, February 02, 2007

I learned something yesterday. (totally non-knitting post)

I had a good workout yesterday with my trainer. He's such a positive young thing, not yet broken by life. It's refreshing. He and his girlfriend are cute as bugs and not in an annoyingly cute way (I'm easily annoyed by cute, so this is impressive.) We were talking (ok HE was talking and I was alternately grunting, panting and gasping along in the conversation) about how the things you learn when working to make your body stronger also helps make your mind, soul and spirit stronger too. It's absolutely true. I had a very tough workout and did some things that are considered "intermediate" level instead of good old novice level. I was a serious weight pumping, core balancing woman. I amazed myself. It was incredible. I learned that I really can do whatever I put my mind and heart into and it empowered me. I almost roared and flexed at the end I was so pumped up.

(I also learned from a muscle-bound man at the gym that if I put a tablespoon of peanut butter into the chocolate protein shake, it's much more palatable. I've already sucked down half of my first one this morning and haven't even gritted my teeth once.)

The final thing I learned was last night during some rare quiet alone time. I've had about a week of funky depressed crazy emotions. I never realized how hard it must be for people living with depression on a daily basis. It hurt. Physically hurt. Mentally hurt. Spiritually hurt. I was amazed that it hurts your body to be upset as well. No real reason, just the entire world came crashing down upon me with all those details. Nothing big, just a million little things that all needed more attention than I had to give and I just ended up curled in a ball. Got up in the morning, cheerful for the kids, sent them to school, got through work and working out, cried, yelled, cried some more. Jeff was traveling and bless his heart, once he realized it wasn't just pms, he started calling three or four times a day just to tell me he loved me and no matter what, we'd be there for each other. I also re-read a lot of comments here on the blog and that helped more than I can say. I'm about 75% back.

Through all this I learned that I really AM strong. Not the strong like when you're a mother of a three year old and a 3 month old little baby and have $42 in the checking account and you're separated and starting a nasty divorce. "You'll be fine, you're strong." Not the strong like when your baby is diagnosed with a life-threatening disease. "Good thing you're his mom, you're strong." Whatever seemed to happen to me in life I always heard it, "We're not worried, you're strong." Those kind of strongs are the fake-it strongs. You get up in the morning, you make it through the day, you smile. a lot. But when no one's looking you curl up in a ball under a blanket and watch re-runs of the Walton's until you have to get up and smile some more at people. strong. You just get by.

That's not living. I don't know how people deal with that all the time. I've been so lucky in my life that I've only had little bouts of these hit me. This time was different. I finally realized that what other people have always said was right. I am strong. I can choose to get up in the morning, enjoy the sun shining on the cold-ass snow outside my window, look at the birds flying to the birdfeeder in the backyard, take a few moments in the day to say thank you for all that I have. I can quit bouncing around like a pinball in life, I can deal with a few things each day and the rest can just screw themselves or bounce around without me. I am strong.

Thank you for all the encouragement on my silly little bet. I do know that muscle weighs more than fat and that it's the size of your body and how it works and how it feels that matters rather than what a scale says. I know it, but I'm also quite stubborn. I'm not mowing the freaking grass. Not. Gonna. Happen. I also learned that I can sweat out 4.5 pounds in 20 minutes in the sauna. (temporary weight loss doesn't bother me. I'll just hop on the scale, have someone take my picture for proof and then drink some damn water after I win the bet.) I'm going to continue on my workout and eating program not just for the bet, but because I'm loving how I'm feeling. Heck, I even poo-ed three times in three days, a personal record of healthfulness. (Hey, TMI is a way of life here at the Knitting Virgin. If you're reading, you're likely to run into the not-pretty parts of life. sorry) Yesterday I didn't even mind putting on my swimsuit and going into the pool & sauna & hottub in public. I can't remember when I've not been embarrased. I'm not a hottie by any means, but I look better, walk taller and FEEL MORE ENERGY than I have since way, way back in time, long before children came into the picture.

Sorry for the long ramble, I just had to get it out of me and in print. It feels like things are completed once they're written down. Less scary and easier to deal with. Thanks for being there for me. I love reading along with all your lives and the comments from my blogging friends mean so much to me. You guys are the best.

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