Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Every stinking freaking pound is back ... Yarn and Food diet begins

nice. WHY did I make the end of the big lose 30 lbs bet happen in EARLY MARCH? There was snow on the ground for heaven's sake. Oh, no, we don't want to be skinny and hot in the SUMMER when you could actually SHOW IT OFF now, do we? cripes almighty. Well, after waffling back and forth with an extra 15 lbs of chub, my body got tired of the bs and decided to go back to where it's happiest. I hopped on the scale yesterday just to verify I was only 15 over. I can live with 15. That's a nice number. However, all the great new clothes were screaming tight lately so I thought I'd better check. 30 lbs. Back where I started. Well, not exactly. I've still got the hint of my cool ab muscle lines. They now disappear into belly flop, but they're still almost visible at the top. Also the arms aren't flabby yet. I think pretty much it's all in the belly, butt and thighs. Woooooo it's gonna be fun.
No trainer man, too poor right now with school starting. Gotta do it the old fashioned way. dammit. I did swim some laps at the pool yesterday, I don't swim very well, so I mostly did my own version of the back stroke, but I was feeling good and tired. I also thought, what's a girl to do when she's not feeling good about herself right before a week of going out with the family to the lake and water park? Yup, go swimsuit shopping. Why the hell not?

Forget that whole "getting healthy to live longer" bullshit. Last time I was motivated by money, this time, no money is being offered, so I've got to reward myself with the next best thing, YARN! For every 5 lbs I lose, I'm gonna buy me some yarn. Just sock yarn. Just enough for one pair per 5 lbs. After I lose 25, I get to buy myself enough for a sweater. I think I want some to make the Cozy V-neck Pullover from Fitted Knits. I may EVEN get the recommended yarn, Cascade Pastaza. I really want to make that sweater, maybe this will be the shot in the ass to get going.

I did order myself a sensible and cute tankini from Land's End, thanks Teri! But, since it won't get here in time for this trip I went off to the fancy schmancy swimsuit shop. I figured if those women can't get me into something that's flattering, no one can. Well, I learned that while those ladies in their mid-50's to 70's and still looking quite trim and awfully wrinkle-free do not have a sense of humor. None whatsoever. I am wandering around, get the whole "can I help you" with attitude that you get in a small boutique kind of place. You had better damn well let them help you, because they're NOT going away and will hound you until you either try on the suits they pick out or run away screaming. So, I say, "sure, I've got no boobs and big thighs and need to look good. What've you got for me?" I chuckled, thinking I was being quite humorous. She didn't chuckle. She got a gleam in her eye and disappeared. I wandered around picking out stuff to try on. She retuned with BIG BOOBS in a suit and TAPE. Did you know they have waterproof tape you can use to make yourself a new shape? REALLY REALLY sticky tape? Can you imagine where you're supposed to be taping when the suits are not all that big? HOLY CRAP.

Let's just say I really pissed her off because I wasn't going for the whole plastic surgery in a bag and boobs in a top thing. I did try on the top just to see what it'd look like and to appease the woman, but it HURT. Boobs shouldn't hurt. I wasn't EVEN gonna think about taping up my ass to go to the lake of the ozarks. Not. Gonna. Happen.

I escaped with a bright teal 2-piece that the sales lady kept sighing over. "Of course, it looks DARLING on you honey, but you really should consider the little helpers I suggested." The suit totally matches my jaywalkers socks. I refrained from pulling them out to show her, thinking that would send her right over the edge. Then the other two ladies (also with no facial movements which is quite creepy when they're in a pack like that) came over and exclaimed how much they LOVE that suit, because it's "so sassy!" I took the bag and ran like hell. The last time total strangers were telling me how "sassy" I looked I was buying orange and green glasses. I've got a baaaaaaaaad feeling about this.

We're off to the OZ and Branson with all four kids, sock yarn, sunscreen, and mike's hard limeades!

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